Today I turn 34, and the only thing I can do is reflect. The first thing that comes to mind is how grateful I am that God chooses to favor me and continue to allow the sun to shine on my path to purpose. But mostly on how far I have come. Life has always been a battle between good decisions, morals, values, and understanding. Accepting the blessing or consequence in my choice, and I have made every bad decision imaginable. I have grown to understand the process of learning. I enjoy the pace that I choose to learn on MY journey because it has shaped me into a woman that 10 years ago I never thought I would be.
I took a hiatus from my purpose to embark on another journey which was my College Degree. This is one journey of mine that I knew that I wanted for ME, to identify myself as an individual. Outside of a friend, mother, and sister. I wanted to have something that I worked on that was just for me and no one else. And I DID IT !!! And now I find myself out a stand still, and I ask myself how did I get here.
The answer to that is not a magical one to say the least. I fought hard for this with tears in my eyes, a heavy heart fighting through the emotions of possibly losing mother to multiple brain tumor surgeries, ( not be shady but I am) dealing with what I perceived to be my Childs father doing anything that was necessary to dim my light and having to battle with whom in my circle was fit for my journey. Not to mention moody teenagers and clingy toddlers. It was a true battle of worthiness that I still sometimes question, a battle of my mental health because truly, I was not mentally able to handle the load that I had on my plate. I struggled more than most know not to give up every single day and I mean it. I really want to drop my classes on the last day because I did not have the mental strength to finish my finals.
I went through a serious battle of questioning why I was even here in the first place and wondering if all the blessing that I had received in the last two years were even meant for me. I had to come to the realization that my worthiness was not based on the things that I had or even the degree that I obtained but it was truly about getting to know Vontress. I needed so many more tools for this next journey ahead and my path needed to be clear in order for me to embark on my next level of greatness. I cried real tears ( and IYKYK) I DO NOT cry. I had to yell, scream, I even sat in a jail cell ( another story for another blog). I finally was brought to my knees and had to allow God to take control of my path and guide me to wherever was meant for me.
Starting my 34th year I do not have any expectations. I plan only to do what makes me happy no matter who agrees with it, I plan to be honest with my feelings and express them when necessary and I intended to stop allowing others and even myself to dim a light that only God can stop from shining. But truly I want to say thank you to ME for not giving up on me when I almost did. I only hope to do what leaves an impression of peace and kindness on others.
This year will be hard just like all these others but I will celebrate every small victory.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!
How do I explain to my sons ….
How do I explain to my sons that the beautiful black skin they are in won’t be loved by others?
How do I explain to my sons that their strong – chiseled physique will be intimidating to those who don’t poses the same features?
How do I explain they will be feared for merely educating themselves with knowledge of where they come from and who they are destined to be?
How do I explain to sons the difference between cooperation and complacency?
How will I explain to them they are at risk of losing their lives for reaching for their phones and wallets?
How will I explain to my daughters they are valuable in A world that sees them only as objects?
How will I explain to my daughters they will be pushed against one another because one will be more “ desirable “ due to her fake skin and the other ridiculed for being dark chocolate like her matriarch queen ?
How will someone explain to me my son being shot dead in the street , a knee on his neck while he screams he can breathe , being gunned down while buying skittles , executed while complying all because they are BLACK!
How will WE make this change?
Often the strong friend or family member has no one to look to in their time of need ! They give in all ways and always to help others find balance and healing within themselves and their lives ! But strong people need healing as well . They need to know they can show their vulnerability and be strong in sharing their emotions. The healer often suffers in silence because they feel as if showing emotion is a sign of weakness to those who look to them for strength. Be mindful of your strong friend/family .
Understand that the strongest people around you carry the most weight and always feel obligated to be a shoulder, an ear , a ride , and an ATM! They feel like if they aren’t there then who else will ! But just like you they need someone to be there.
I know because I have always been the “go to ” and it can be exhausting . Giving and giving and leaving myself the leftovers. And often times I didn’t have anything left to give…ME!
I had to talk to myself and remind myself it’s OK to say no ! It’s OK to not answer my phone and not always be at the beck and call of someone’s else’s problems. Sometimes they needed to learn to solve on their own . The problems were placed in their lives because the universe was teaching them something, and how could they learn if there was always someone like me there to fix the problem for them.
We must look outside ourselves and the selfishness of having someone we can count on and worry about who we can help as well. We all need help from time to time but make sure to check on your strong friends and family
They may need YOU today!
…you must speak.
You must walk in a darkness and hope the prayers you speak only in your darkest moments shed light from your heart.
Tell yourself the only thing in the way of my healing is forgiveness.
Cry tears, kick, scream, and smile at your ability to embrace your hurt,
Be strong enough to mend your soul,
Accept the things that have broken you. Stand tall on the broken pieces and say, “I made it!”
Heal because to be whole is to live abundantly.
Poem from “Rose Petals Under a Reaper’s Robe”
As most of you know I gave birth to my youngest son a little over three months ago. And as joyous as this experience has been for others it has been a bit of a struggle for me ! I couldn’t really put my finger on what was going on with me emotionally. Of course moms always think that we will bounce back and go right back to our bodies before baby, that we will still feel sexy and that because we are already moms that we have got it all under control.
That is what I thought and I was 100% WRONG ! This pregnancy with my son was very difficult. I was in some of the worst pain in my life, and also my son was diagnosed with having only one kidney. So this along with all of the hormonal stuff , I started to noticed that I wasn’t as engaged as a new mother should be. Of course I did the feeding and diaper changes but my urge to not want to be around my baby or any of my babies for that matter became stronger. I started losing my interest in wanting to be affectionate with them . It just became this overwhelming feeling of ” LEAVE ME ALONE .”
I didn’t want to come out of my room , make dinner , or help them with anything . I honestly just wanted to hide from them. Of course me being the woman that I am as much as I had these feelings I was also feeling terrible about this. Like what sort of mother wouldn’t want to be around their children or hold their new baby. But it was just my reality. So I told my partner that I was not feeling like myself and of course I think he was just assuming I meant because I was being a mom to older children and staying up all hours of the night breastfeeding a new born.
But the feeling was deeper and naturally trying to convince myself nothing was wrong I kept bottling the feeling up and I started to become more irritable and snapping at everyone. On top of the fact that I was crying for EVERY little thing. I forgot my phone upstairs I’d start balling, or my baby would cry, and I was for sure crying louder and harder then he was.
All of this lead me to see my therapist and that’s when I realized what I have been feeling is Postpartum Depression . It was a very REAL thing. The saddest part was I sat and told myself ” this is not a BLACK woman thing” But in reality mental health issues don’t skip you because of your race. The fact of the matter is so many more women of color suffer from this and don’t get the right help or treatments. They live and suffer with this DAILY and yet they have no one. They don’t have the home support or family support. They cant afford the medications , or therapy sessions but most of the time they don’t want to have the shame behind saying that something is wrong with them and they need help.
Truth is we all need help and its OK to ask . I am not big on asking others for help and day to day is a struggle with trying to understand what is currently going on with me . I struggle to voice how I feel and allowing myself to be vulnerable in situations that I otherwise wouldn’t be. I had to accept the fact that If I didn’t take the steps forward to handle this situation that I wouldn’t be OK , my babies would suffer and ultimately this ” THING” would consume me.
My son is only three months old and i’m not sure how long this will take to get better. I am unsure how it started but I do know that I am willing to work through this and also let others know that getting help is important. To understand the symptoms.
- Feeling overwhelmed
- Crying spells
- Problems with memory and concentration
- Changes in sleep Pattern
- Altered eating patterns
- Socially withdrawn
- Loss of Libido
If you are feeling any of these things or just feeling Depressed in any way. PLEASE talk to someone and get the help that you need. We all go through things and it is OK for us to seek help and do whats best for ourselves even when we feel afraid to do so. Take the necessary steps for your mental health. You cant take care of anyone else unless you take care of YOU FIRST !
Affirmed Queen: Book Of Affirmations for the woman in Healing!
Affirmations, Writing Prompts, and Reflective Passages from ME; The Author
Growing older we as women start to wonder why it is we feel the way we feel. Why were sad , our lack of self-worth, or even the lack of trust we have in ourselves to make rational decisions without the assistance of others. Until way finally accept the fact that somewhere along the way all of our young days of making mistakes, not so good relationships and even our upbringing has a lot to do with the we view ourselves. We never really understand how or where to start. This is the same struggle I had with myself. So I decided to take the time to share some of the steps I took to self myself for self healing and acceptance.
Affirmation : ” The act or process of affirming something or being AFFIRMED “
I chose affirmations for myself and this book because simply it works. It’s a process of changing your mind-frame and the way we process how we see and feel about our-self. Taking the time to flush out negative thoughts and feelings and replace them with positive things and build self-esteem.
I took the time to insert letters, questions and feelings on my personal feelings. The way that I felt before and during my process of healing. How I handled certain things and situations as they came at me and simply invite the readers to understand that they are not alone and we all struggle and its OK to not always be OK!
Writing in a Journal or even writing myself little notes have become a form of healing. I feel if i get the negative thoughts out on paper they are removed from my mind and I have the space to ask myself why i feel this way and what can I do moving forward to change it. I entered pages in hopes that self reflection will allow my readers to learn to be vocal ( in a sense) about how they are feeling.
With this book I only hope that women understand how important it is to love themselves. To understand that loving themselves allows us to understand how to teach others to love us in the way we need. Not in the manner they feel we deserve.
Affirm your QUEENDOM!