Today I turn 34, and the only thing I can do is reflect. The first thing that comes to mind is how grateful I am that God chooses to favor me and continue to allow the sun to shine on my path to purpose. But mostly on how far I have come. Life has always been a battle between good decisions, morals, values, and understanding. Accepting the blessing or consequence in my choice, and I have made every bad decision imaginable. I have grown to understand the process of learning. I enjoy the pace that I choose to learn on MY journey because it has shaped me into a woman that 10 years ago I never thought I would be.
I took a hiatus from my purpose to embark on another journey which was my College Degree. This is one journey of mine that I knew that I wanted for ME, to identify myself as an individual. Outside of a friend, mother, and sister. I wanted to have something that I worked on that was just for me and no one else. And I DID IT !!! And now I find myself out a stand still, and I ask myself how did I get here.
The answer to that is not a magical one to say the least. I fought hard for this with tears in my eyes, a heavy heart fighting through the emotions of possibly losing mother to multiple brain tumor surgeries, ( not be shady but I am) dealing with what I perceived to be my Childs father doing anything that was necessary to dim my light and having to battle with whom in my circle was fit for my journey. Not to mention moody teenagers and clingy toddlers. It was a true battle of worthiness that I still sometimes question, a battle of my mental health because truly, I was not mentally able to handle the load that I had on my plate. I struggled more than most know not to give up every single day and I mean it. I really want to drop my classes on the last day because I did not have the mental strength to finish my finals.
I went through a serious battle of questioning why I was even here in the first place and wondering if all the blessing that I had received in the last two years were even meant for me. I had to come to the realization that my worthiness was not based on the things that I had or even the degree that I obtained but it was truly about getting to know Vontress. I needed so many more tools for this next journey ahead and my path needed to be clear in order for me to embark on my next level of greatness. I cried real tears ( and IYKYK) I DO NOT cry. I had to yell, scream, I even sat in a jail cell ( another story for another blog). I finally was brought to my knees and had to allow God to take control of my path and guide me to wherever was meant for me.
Starting my 34th year I do not have any expectations. I plan only to do what makes me happy no matter who agrees with it, I plan to be honest with my feelings and express them when necessary and I intended to stop allowing others and even myself to dim a light that only God can stop from shining. But truly I want to say thank you to ME for not giving up on me when I almost did. I only hope to do what leaves an impression of peace and kindness on others.
This year will be hard just like all these others but I will celebrate every small victory.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!