Today I turn 34, and the only thing I can do is reflect. The first thing that comes to mind is how grateful I am that God chooses to favor me and continue to allow the sun to shine on my path to purpose. But mostly on how far I have come. Life has always been a battle between good decisions, morals, values, and understanding. Accepting the blessing or consequence in my choice, and I have made every bad decision imaginable. I have grown to understand the process of learning. I enjoy the pace that I choose to learn on MY journey because it has shaped me into a woman that 10 years ago I never thought I would be.
I took a hiatus from my purpose to embark on another journey which was my College Degree. This is one journey of mine that I knew that I wanted for ME, to identify myself as an individual. Outside of a friend, mother, and sister. I wanted to have something that I worked on that was just for me and no one else. And I DID IT !!! And now I find myself out a stand still, and I ask myself how did I get here.
The answer to that is not a magical one to say the least. I fought hard for this with tears in my eyes, a heavy heart fighting through the emotions of possibly losing mother to multiple brain tumor surgeries, ( not be shady but I am) dealing with what I perceived to be my Childs father doing anything that was necessary to dim my light and having to battle with whom in my circle was fit for my journey. Not to mention moody teenagers and clingy toddlers. It was a true battle of worthiness that I still sometimes question, a battle of my mental health because truly, I was not mentally able to handle the load that I had on my plate. I struggled more than most know not to give up every single day and I mean it. I really want to drop my classes on the last day because I did not have the mental strength to finish my finals.
I went through a serious battle of questioning why I was even here in the first place and wondering if all the blessing that I had received in the last two years were even meant for me. I had to come to the realization that my worthiness was not based on the things that I had or even the degree that I obtained but it was truly about getting to know Vontress. I needed so many more tools for this next journey ahead and my path needed to be clear in order for me to embark on my next level of greatness. I cried real tears ( and IYKYK) I DO NOT cry. I had to yell, scream, I even sat in a jail cell ( another story for another blog). I finally was brought to my knees and had to allow God to take control of my path and guide me to wherever was meant for me.
Starting my 34th year I do not have any expectations. I plan only to do what makes me happy no matter who agrees with it, I plan to be honest with my feelings and express them when necessary and I intended to stop allowing others and even myself to dim a light that only God can stop from shining. But truly I want to say thank you to ME for not giving up on me when I almost did. I only hope to do what leaves an impression of peace and kindness on others.
This year will be hard just like all these others but I will celebrate every small victory.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!
Finally reached the end of my Spring Semester! With all that has transpired it is nice to have a small moment of accomplishment! I had the pleasure of working with my school newspaper and have a small piece published!
I have included the link below! Please feel freely to comment , like and share ! I hope you all enjoy 🙂
How do I explain to my sons ….
How do I explain to my sons that the beautiful black skin they are in won’t be loved by others?
How do I explain to my sons that their strong – chiseled physique will be intimidating to those who don’t poses the same features?
How do I explain they will be feared for merely educating themselves with knowledge of where they come from and who they are destined to be?
How do I explain to sons the difference between cooperation and complacency?
How will I explain to them they are at risk of losing their lives for reaching for their phones and wallets?
How will I explain to my daughters they are valuable in A world that sees them only as objects?
How will I explain to my daughters they will be pushed against one another because one will be more “ desirable “ due to her fake skin and the other ridiculed for being dark chocolate like her matriarch queen ?
How will someone explain to me my son being shot dead in the street , a knee on his neck while he screams he can breathe , being gunned down while buying skittles , executed while complying all because they are BLACK!
How will WE make this change?
Lately I have been having a hard time with my faith. Not my praying or my conversations that I hold with the man above but faith in myself. The faith that you carry that helps you keep pushing in the midst of a season where things just are not going as planned.
Just the moment when you have no clue what to do. In this moment I am having a hard time figuring out where I, Vontress went wrong. with loving someone who NEVER loved me ( per his words) . Why am I doing my best as a mother and I am putting forth all the efforts I can and it still doesnt seem good enough. Why my blessings of my new car , and other things don’t feel as special as they should. ( Now this is where my conversation with the man upstairs came in)
I simply asked , ” Where did I go wrong to deserve this horrible break up and these horrible feelings that I have been feeling?” I sat and waited because HE is usually good about quick answers because I know, I be getting on his nerves with the questions but the answer I got was ” YOUR FAITH IN YOOURSELF”. I did not feel deserving of love so I chose a man who would never love me because he does not love himself! I have never been big on material things so my new car doesnt feel like an accomplishment of hard work and stability but a necessity of an adult. I dont feel like a good mother always because I can’t give them the moon and the stars in their hands when that’s all I work for.
I lacked the confidence in all of the things that I was doing because I lost faith in ME! My breakup was the most hurtful thing I had experienced in a long time beccause he was someone I thought I would marry and to know me than you know I have NEVER had that feeling for ANYONE ! I was looking to my kids to tell me I was a great mom for the things that I did for validation and I was looking for fulfiment in my “things.”
I lost all the things that made me who I was becuae I was so focused on givng everything I have to others. It was not a lack of self love , or doing what I needed in order to care for myself it was learning to trust ME and my decisions. I had to trust that separating from a man that only meant me harm no matter how much I loved him was ok to d. No matter the ways he tried to change that feeling. Being a parent and not a friend to my kids would make them into the best adults possible, and the things that I gained in my hard work were meant to be celebrated.
See having faith is not always about leaving everything in the man aboves hands ! We have to do a little work also. It is about trusting YOU, and that the things that you do and decide for yourself are RIGHT ! No matter if it feels a bit awkward at the beginning. I don’t ever try and get holy on yall but I pray for anyone going through a turning point and needing to know , HAVE FAITH IN YOURSELF !
Lately I have been having such a struggle with the things that baby dads do. Now we all know that moms are the one everyone turns to but when are men really going to be FATHERS !!
Mom cooks, she cleans, she does laundry, she is the doctor , the counselor and the damn priest if need be. We do any and everything in order for everyone to be ok and there is NEVER a moment that these baby dads say hey i’m going to sacrifice a few hours of my day in order to make sure that the mother of my children is alright. Now when I say that some of yall are going to think that means we are looking for money or our nails done. When in actuality we are looking for a nap, someone to do the damn dishes and take out the trash without being told and actually taking care of the kids.
A few women around me GO HARD for their families. Working , STILL in this pandemic and coming home to men who can’t even make sure that the kids are ready for bed and some dinner is made. I mean even a damn sandwich will do. They get up and go where ever, whenever , with whomever and were always home with the kids. There is never any consideration of the plans we may have or even consideration for the fact that we may have business to handle and they may need to take care of the kids. And when they do by some miracle keep the kids, how DARE we be gone for more than 5 minutes before we are getting called and texted off the hook. We’re working our behinds off in order for them to live and be fathers ONLY when its convenient for them. I mean can some of these baby daddys even tell me your kids doctor’s name, or the last time they took a poop or maybe the name of their imaginary friends. ( Dont worry I’LL WAIT)
And you know where the problem starts WITH US !! Yes, but sorry ladies it’s us! We are so used to being the man and the woman to ourselves that we do not even take the time to make sure these men are doing what they should be doing. I’m sorry but we need to set boundaries and make them do what’s necessary or cut them off at the knees. And that means limiting the access they have to the luxuries we provide. Like you want to leave the house take one of your kids, you can’t nap if I can’t and you want food MAKE IT YOURSELF.
“What I need men to understand is they aren’t any less responsible for the basic caretaking of a child because they are the father.”
You should be present in all aspects of what your child has going on and making it a point to be capable to take care of your children efficiently should anything happen to the mothers of your children.
Now this is not to negate the fathers who do just as much as the mothers or in some cases more. It is simply to shed light on the fact that at some point SOME OF YOU need to GROW UP. And I also need you to understand when a woman gets tired of doing all the work without support you will hear her mouth. Not only this, why wouldn’t any parent want to be 100% involved in thier childrens everyday routine. I truly cant understand but what I do know that it is becoming way too common for men to be physically present and not INVESTED in their children.
Well Until next time ! LIKE, COMMENT, SUBSCRIBE, and SHARE !